Mission Impossible Lives Again!

Here’s a collection of low-potential plots that simply prove that people’s reach will always exceed their grasp.

Doctor Who: "The 11th Doctor must save the world in 20 minutes even though the TARDIS is wrecked and his sonic screwdriver is disabled."

Nova : "The environmental pros and possible economic cons of California's green initiative, which seeks to return carbon dioxide emissions to 1990 levels."

Deadliest Warrior : "Apache vs. Gladiator"
"Examining a hypothetical battle between an Apache warrior and a Roman gladiator in the opener of the documentary series that pits two historical heavyweights against each other."
A documentary? What?
And later today:
"IRA vs. Taliban:" "Terrorists face off in a hypothetical battle as a member of the IRA takes on a Taliban fighter."

My First Place : "A couple want a four-bedroom house in Chicago for around $400,000."

Little Chocolatiers: "A chocolate fireplace is made for a family reunion."

Everybody Loves Raymond: "Ray tries to explain the birds and the bees to Ally, but she throws him for a loop when she instead asks about the meaning of life."

16 and Pregnant: "A young musician drops out of school after finding out she's pregnant. Later, she's devastated to learn that her boyfriend hasn't always been faithful."

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It's Me or the TV: Today's Worst Titles!

I know that TV has changed a lot since the networks imploded and special-interest cable took over with shows that cost $99.95 or less to produce (that's for the whole season, not per episode).

But today even the names of shows are drivel!

Please leave the room if you have watched any of the following shows:

Strikeforce: Nashville (CBS)

It’s Me or the Dog (Animal Planet)

Pit Bulls and Parolees (Ditto)

Destroy Build Destroy (Cartoon Network)

Most Terrifying Places in America (Travel Channel)

Celebrity Ghost Stories (A&E) (Anson Williams guest-stars in today's episode. As celebrity or ghost?)

Weird, True & Freaky (Animal Planet) “Exploring unusual jobs involving animals.” (Maybe some of the smarter mammals could become TV producers?)

When Weather Changed History (Weather Channel)

Say Yes to the Dress (TLC)

Man V. Food (Travel)

Ultimate Recipe Showdown (I guess Food V. Food sounded too derivative?)

Tough Love Couples (VH1)

And you knew it had to come to this:

Animal Cops: Miami (Animal Planet, again! Are there no leash laws?)

Finally, our Award for Most Underwhelming New Series Title goes to PBS for:

Everyday Food

Don't miss the season finale on preparing celery with Cheez Whiz!

Don't you hate it when this happens…?

Everyday occurrences that just drive you nuts! (Drawn from listings for April 16, 2010.)

Ghost Whisperer
Melinda goes to a hospital morgue that is being haunted by the ghost of a surgeon who is reliving a failed surgery

Medium
Ariel lands a new boyfriend, but Allison comes to suspect that the young man is a killer.

Miami Medical
Members of a wedding party are seriously injured when a tent collapses on them.

Smallville
While investigating an explosion, Clark is infected with red Kryptonite.

America's Funniest Home Videos
A man gets stuck in a child's toy car; a dog is spooked by a ceramic cat; a man meets with trouble when jumping over a tennis net.

Private Chefs of Beverly Hills
The chefs become unwitting participants in a medieval murder mystery party held at a Scottish-style castle in Los Angeles.

Amazing Wedding Cakes
A horse-race-themed cake is created; an anniversary cake that incorporates grass proves to be a challenge. (I bet that depends on what kind of grass they used...)

American Loggers: "Man vs. Mud"
Rainy weather creates muddy conditions and impacts business operations; Jeff copes with a hectic shop

The Troop:
Jake acts strangely because he's pregnant with a baby Snark. Elsewhere, Hayley and Felix must stop a griffin who's causing problems for ranchers.
(Makes you long for the gritty reality of Man vs Mud.)

Ben 10:
Season 3 ends as Ben learns that Negative Ben is working with Vilgax and is forced to forfeit the Omnitrix.
(I used Google Translate on this one, but it didn't help.)

NCIS: "Left for Dead"
A woman digs herself out of a shallow grave and doesn't know who she is, but is convinced that a bomb is on board a Navy ship.

Finally, the TV Drivel Award Winner for lamest script of the week:
Dude, What Would Happen?
The Dudes dress as animals' favorite snacks. Included: Jackson dons a carrot suit; Ali tries to lure a camel with crackers and caramel.

Lies, All Lies!

Who knew TV was so dependent for plots on people lying to each other? (All listings for prime time April 14.)

Modern Family:

Jay creates an elaborate lie to cover up the fact he killed Manny's pet turtle.

Accidentally on Purpose :
When Zack is pulled over for speeding, Billie pretends to be in labor to get him out of getting a ticket

The Unit:
Jonas poses as a diamond merchant in Africa.

The Unit:
Jonas and the team trick an arrogant Department of Defense official into joining a field mission.

Wizards of Waverly Place:
Alex wants to date the school's bandleader, who is turned off by her sour attitude, so she casts a spell on herself to become a positive person.

American Greed:
Kirk Wright, a hedge-fund manager who scammed professional athletes; a phony erectile-dysfunction drug.

That '70s Show:
Contrary to what she tells Eric, Donna's review of their first sexual encounter is not good. Or private.

I guess sex, lies and video have always gone together!

All Class, All the Time

Once upon a time, people thought television would become a medium of culture and enlightenment...
Selected listings for Monday, April 12:

King of Queens:
Doug accidentally shoots himself in a rather sensitive area with a staple gun.

Most Extreme:
"Slime Balls" The Top 10 slimiest animals are counted down

Two and a Half Men:
Alan tolerates Jake's new friend, who is a bad influence, because he's attracted to the boy's mother, played by Courtney Thorne-Smith.

Everybody Loves Raymond:
"Boob Job:" Debra considers getting breast implants after Ray gushes about another woman's surgically enhanced bosom.

My Fair Brady: Maybe Baby?:
Adrianne decides she wants breast augmentation

Married...With Children:
"Naughty but Niece:" Is Bud's passionate encounter with Marcy's niece a dream or real?

Golden Girls:
While the girls take a disappointing trip, Sophia enjoys herself at home getting to know the gardener.

Everybody Loves Raymond:
Debra is floored to learn that their newly purchased used car was Ray's high-school "make-out mobile."

And now the TV Drivel Award for Worst Concept for a TV Show Compounded by Very Bad Timing:

Family Guy:
Mort Goldman mistakenly enters Stewie's time machine (he thought it was a bathroom) and is transported back to Poland on Sept. 1, 1939. It's the day of the German invasion.

It's Self-Improvement Night at TV Drivel

Selected prime-time TV listings for Saturday, April 19.
Tonight's theme: In just 30 minutes (minus commercials), you can become A New Better You!

Corner Gas:
Davis is sent to a sensitivity course after making too many blonde jokes.

Tyler Perry’s House of Pain:
Curtis teaches Malik and Jazmine a lesson in money management.

Family Guy:
The family enrolls Chris in a snooty boarding school.

Zoey 101:
Michael and Logan must teach Chase how to dance.

Family Guy:
When Meg is rejected by a cute boy at school, Liz takes her to the mall for a makeover.

Crusoe:
Crusoe decides to test his own skills by re-enacting some of the challenges Friday faced as a child.

disBAND:
Guru Greig Nori helps Abandon All Ships overcome their egos.

Who knew self-improvement was such a big theme on TV these days? Must mean something...

And now, today’s Best Free Makeover of the Day:

Stargate Atlantis:
Rodney begins to evolve into a superhuman.
(Well, sure. It’s spring. Everyone’s doing that.)

Listings for Wednesday, April 7: Selling your sister

Five more reasons to spend more time planting your garden:

George Lopez: "George considers the financial possibilities when his father-in-law and best friends want permission to date his long-lost sister."
(Guess George wants a piece of the auction…)

19th Hole: "Roundtable discussion of current events in the world of golf."
(Tiger, Tiger, burning bright.)

American Idol: "A contestant is eliminated."
(Way to make it sound like some sort of sordid competition)

Wizards of Waverly Place: "Alex uses a pocket elf to pass a Spanish exam."
(What would you use - a leprechaun?)

Drivel of the Day:
Canadian Geographic: "Probing the secrets locked in Canada’s glaciers."
(“Hey, isn’t that Jimmy Hoffa?” “Yeah, and he’s looking good!”)